The first participant in our Humans of SMC project is J, who has been attending St Margaret’s Centre since 2011.
Interview and photos by M.A. Ratcliff. Text in quotation marks are J’s own words.
December 2023
‘The centre is one big community and like one big family.’
J was born in Sunderland in the mid-eighties to working-class parents who, unfortunately, were not equipped to raise a child. At seven years old, after nearly two years in the care system, J was adopted by two loving and caring individuals who took him home to County Durham and raised him as their own. J speaks fondly of his mother, recalling the fun and love they shared and keeping the memories of her close to his heart.
‘Mom made us happy and done lots of stuff for us.’
Unfortunately, J’s life took an unexpected turn when, at the age of 20 years old, his mother sadly passed away. An event that changed the course of his life forever. In the years following her death, J spiralled out of control, unable to process and cope with the pain of losing his mother, turning to alcohol and recreational drugs to numb the pain.
‘I bottled a lot of stuff up and didn’t let it go. I didn’t grieve properly for my Mom. Back then, you never really got help with the grief process, so I don’t think I came to terms with it properly.’
J explained when things took a turn for the worse:
‘Around three years after her death, I started to not feel like myself, having hallucinations and hearing voices. At first, it was a faint whisper, and then, gradually, over the following months, they started getting louder and louder. I thought it was real. They were commanding me to do things. I went missing for two weeks at some point. I remembered some of what I had done, which was scary because I wasn’t in control of my mind.’
J eventually made the sound decision to reach out to the emergency services for help and was committed to the psychiatric ward at Lanchester Road Hospital, Durham, for the first time. Over the next 14 years, J was admitted to the hospital for his mental health multiple times a year.
‘During one episode, I thought the police were harassing me, and I had hostages in my house. I had put cushions under blankets on the sofa and thought I had a gun in my hand. There was a negotiator and everything.’
J talked openly regarding his experience within the mental health services during that time and felt as though, in the beginning, his treatment caused him to feel worse, but, ultimately, Joe is grateful for the help he received.
‘It was a lot different in mental health hospitals back then than what it is today. So yeah, I think they helped me. I was in a safe place. If I was left to look after myself, or even with family looking after me, we couldn’t keep an eye on things 24/7. I was taking the wrong medication for a lot of years as they just couldn’t get it right. Medication is difficult to get right because everybody is different, and it’s just finding the right balance and correct meds, which can take a long time. I still can’t use buses as I don’t like being around too many people. And I still get paranoid and anxious, but I’m not half as bad as I used to be.’
After receiving the diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia and J finally getting prescribed the correct medication, along with the appropriate intervention and attending St. Margaret’s Centre, J is now functioning well.
It was in 2011 that J began attending St. Margaret’s Centre and has become more involved in the past few years after receiving the appropriate medication for his condition.
‘When I first came, I remember it like it was yesterday. I was quiet and didn’t talk back then or communicate with people properly. It was in the winter, and Olwyn (the centre’s Art Instructor) was wearing a body warmer and had a big smile on her face. I only wanted to look around, but Olwyn offered me a sausage sandwich, and then I stayed the whole day. And ever since then, it’s been a constant thing coming to the centre. They didn’t have many classes as they were still a small charity, but they had social days, and you could go down to the allotments where I dug up potatoes and picked tomatoes. And, in the past, I helped Olwyn to cook meals before we had The Old School Cafe.’
When talking to J, it was clear that St. Margaret’s Centre is important to him and that attending the centre has been an integral part of his recovery and mental health journey.
‘I’ve changed and think of things more rationally now, I’m happy. The centre is one big community and like one big family. I have friends who can all contact each other if anyone feels down. If I haven’t heard from someone in a while, I’ll message and make sure everything is okay, and everybody does that with each other. We’re all here for different mental health problems, but we all come together. The centre is also where I met the love of my life. In 2022, Sarah and I had a couple of dates and have been together ever since.
I want people to think of me as being approachable. I’ll always try to give good advice and try my best to guide them a little bit. All the battles and stuff I’ve been through have brought me to this family. It’s a journey, and there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. Although I couldn’t see that light for many years, I can guarantee it’s there.’
This post is dedicated to J’s mom.